Escape the Change Trap

Aug 31, 2023

"I just can't stand it when he/she does..."

"I love my spouse, but when he/she..."

"Everything goes good until he/she..."

"I just really wish he/she would change the way..."

These are the refrains of marriage partners caught in a trap - the trap of trying, or wanting, to change their spouse in some regard. The trap tightens over time as increasing focus is spent on the grievance.

What you focus on grows, and what grows gets the focus. Trap.

The way out is to choose to focus on the person you married, instead of on the behavior(s) you don't like. The truth is, everyone is worthy of honor and respect in the core of who they are - in their identity and in the value they bring to you. It's that core that you fell in love with.

We must realize, as we "focused" our way into the trap, now we must "focus" our way out. Begin to be extravagant in your thinking of and attention to the wonder, attractiveness, beauty, character in the core of who your spouse is. Begin to cheerlead it, speak highly of it, and to show it honor. Be willing to stay with this, commit to it for the long-haul.

This change of focus can really change the playing field in a marriage. You'll begin to feel more love for your spouse, things will seem easier between the two of you. And, paradoxically, the atmosphere becomes conducive to real and lasting change on both sides of the relationship.


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