Stop! What Do You (really) Want?

Jun 21, 2023

In a moment of impasse in a relationship, like in an argument that threatens to ruin an evening, it's easy to be inflamed with what you want, and to feel totally justified in it.

Been there?!

Maybe it's respect, or for your partner to see things your way, or for you to be seen as right, or for you to be accepted and wanted. Whatever it is, it always feels that you have a right to it too. You're just trying to be fair and reasonable after all.

You could just go ahead and say what you think you want to say and get the results you're probably used to, or you could STOP and think a different thought. Like this:

What do I really want here?

See, we think we want vindication, or to be right about something, or to be respected, or loved. We think we want the other person to change, to apologize first, or for us to somehow come out on top.

But in reality, deeper down, what we really want are far better things:

What we really want is a chance to connect well with someone we love. We want to share some laughter and joy. We want mutual respect and for love to flow between us again. What we really want is be gentle, loving, and kind to the one we said our vows to. What we really want is the deeper understanding of what our spouse is going through and what's driving their thoughts and emotions so we can see how to come along side them and help. 

Asking the question "what do I really want here?" surfaces these more noble and powerful motivations. And these motivations, because they are more true to what you really want, will enable you to take a different path.

You can shrug off the offense, or overlook an annoyance. You can see your partner for who they really are. And you can see how to come along side them in their day.

All the best in your journey of love!

Rowan and Mara

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